When things don’t go as you expected or the way you wanted it to go, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, discouragement, and despair. Maybe you didn’t get the job you wanted, a relationship didn’t work out, or other plans or hopes fell through. In order to overcome despair, it’s important to accept that you can’t change the past but you can practice radical acceptance and learn to let go of wanting control so you can move forward.
8 Steps to Overcome Despair
1. Don’t dwell on the past.
When something devastating happens, it’s easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” of the past. You can’t change or control what has already happened, so don’t let it make you lose sight of who you are or what is important to you. When you hold onto the past, it feeds into despair. What’s done is done. Evaluate your contribution in the past and then figure out what you can do moving forward.
2. Don’t play the victim or blame others.
Be mindful of getting caught up in the victim mentality and finger pointing. “I can’t believe this is happening to me! Poor me!” This mentality doesn’t change anything for the better, it just makes things feel worse. Practice compassion for others to avoid placing blame. Have a level of understanding of other people’s behaviors, contributions, and how we got to certain outcomes rather than placing judgment or blame. When you can eliminate assumptions and practice compassion, it can help reduce feelings of despair.
3. Let go of what you can’t control.
Despair is often accompanied by feelings of loss of control and spiraling thoughts about the future, “Things are so bad now and they will only get worse.” When this happens, sometimes people feel the need to hold onto more control in other areas of their lives, but this can actually make anxiety worse. In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering. Let go of being attached to control and a past and present that aren’t based in reality. Instead, focus on yourself and the things you do have control over (which is only your behaviors and thoughts). If you feel overwhelmed and feel like things are out of control, read this blog post on how to let go of what you can’t control.
4. Reflect on how your reality has actually changed.
Take a look at your day-to-day life. How has this outcome actually affected your life? What has changed in reality? Sometimes when we get bad news or things don’t go our way, it can feel like our whole world is crashing down. But look at each aspect of your life – what is different? What piece or pieces of your life are affected by this outcome? When you break it down, you may actually find that the majority of your life is unaffected and the rest is actually manageable.
5. Change the narrative.
Minimize the severity of what happened by reframing what happened. Is it the most awful, unbearable, intolerable, catastrophic outcome? Even if it feels that way, is there a part of your life where you can find something bearable and tolerable? Shift your thinking from, “This is the worst thing in the world and I can’t live through this,” to, “while I don’t like this and it’s not my preferred outcome, I can accept parts of this reality.” Accepting reality doesn’t mean condoning or liking what happened or ignoring your feelings. It doesn’t mean everything is happy and you should ignore (valid) feelings of despair and sadness, but it does mean that you understand you can’t change the outcome and, instead, can keep working towards finding happiness and inner peace in this reality. Practicing gratitude and mindfulness are excellent tools to help you reframe reality and change the narrative. There is a silver lining.
6. Become comfortable with the uncomfortable.
The point is to be comfortable with disliking something while being able to live with the consequences and the reality. How do you improve your existence within this outcome? Learn how to live as comfortably as you can within this undesirable outcome. It’s not about giving up or losing your ability to emotionally regulate, but accepting that sometimes things in life will be uncomfortable and not go your way. Continue to live your life and feel a sense of empowerment and comfort within yourself and your relationships. Recognizing that power will help you become more comfortable as you navigate uncomfortable and undesirable situations.
7. “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” – Deepak Chopra
In order for things to go right, there needs to be turmoil to facilitate change and awareness. If you are totally content and avoid change, it prevents better things from happening. Chaos and undesirable situations bring change and growth. As you struggle with dealing with whatever happened, look for opportunities to grow, change, learn, or get involved with something that’s meaningful to you. Think outside the box and look for something new and different. Maybe there are some benefits in this outcome somehow.
8. Lean on your supports.
If you are struggling, turn to your supports. Open up to friends and family you care about, who aren’t judgmental and care about you. Connect with others, talk to a therapist or other professionals, or find a support group. You are not alone in how you feel. It’s important not to isolate or withdraw from your support system.
Therapy Can Help You Overcome Despair and Discouragement
If you are struggling with feelings of despair or discouragement, therapy can help you let go of the past and empower you to find happiness and inner strength. Dr. Heather Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states (listed below). Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy in 42 States
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in the 42 participating PSYPACT states listed below. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.
PsyPact enrolled states:
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming