Failure to launch into adulthood – when adults in their 20s or 30s are still living with their parents or guardian (or have returned home) – is becoming increasingly common. Student loans, a competitive workforce, and other factors are making it more difficult for young adults to live on their own. If you are a parent or guardian of an adult child at home, it can feel frustrating to see your grown child hit a wall and not move forward in life.
If you are the parent of a 20 to 30-something year old who is living at home, it’s important to have a respectful relationship based on clear rules and expectations that are enforced. This may sound harsh, but it will help your adult child move forward in life and work towards independence. Often parents allow their adult children to live at home, but only give vague expectations, such as “get a job”. No timelines are set for when they expect their child to move out, and they enable their child to live at home without a job indefinitely. That’s why it’s important to set parameters, boundaries, and rules!
Here are some tips on how to encourage your adult child to move forward with their life (and eventually move out on their own):
Set clear boundaries and expectations.
In order to avoid enabling your child from taking advantage of your support (whether it’s intentional or not), it’s important to state what you expect from them while they are living with you. Are they going to pay rent? If they are unable to, are they going to contribute to the household chores? Imagine if a roommate who wasn’t your child was living with you – what would you expect from them? What are you comfortable with expecting from your adult child? If there is another parent living with you, make sure you agree on those expectations before you express them to your child. Lay out your expectations and have a collaborative approach, not a punitive one.
Work together and collaborate. You all want the same thing – for your adult child to be independent. Now that they are an adult, you can’t tell them what to do the way you did when they were a child. Taking a collaborative approach to planning their life offers support without overstepping your bounds.
Ask your child what they want for themselves. What do they want out of life? What are their dreams and aspirations? What are their expectations of you? Work with your child on their goals, not your goals for them. If they are unsure what they want, my last blog post, How to Deal with Failure to Launch into Adulthood, offers some tips on how to figure that out.
Set clear end goals. Sit down with your child and figure out what they want out of life when it comes to career, relationships, and living independently. The goals should be specific, not just “move out”, but knowing where they want to live geographically and what type of dwelling, what job they want, what salary they are hoping to make, etc.
Break those down into smaller steps. What are the specific, smaller steps that will help them reach their end goals? If they are looking for a job in a specific field, the smaller goal could be something like, “apply to 5 jobs a week”, “send 5 emails to people in the industry a week”, or “attend one conference every six months.” If they do want to attend a conference that costs money, who will pay for that – you or them? Personal and career development opportunities can help them achieve their goals, but cost money, so include it in a budget you create together.
Create a timeframe and budget. Be specific with when you all hope for the smaller goals to be accomplished. These smaller goals should all contribute to the end goals you set together. You can create a spreadsheet that includes what you are willing to pay for and what you expect them to pay for, as well as the specific goals they want to accomplish and how much those things will cost. It can look something like this:
| Who? | Goal | Cost | Target Date |
| Child Name | Buy a car | $XXXXX | XX/XX/XXXX |
This will give everyone an idea as to how much money needs to be made weekly/monthly in order to achieve that goal. Or you can put the goals in a shared calendar that you all have access to in order to keep track of what is being accomplished and what isn’t.
Expect them to have a job. In my practice, I have seen many parents say that they told their adult child to get a job, and their child says, “I tried. I can’t get one,” and that’s the end of the conversation. When you lay out your expectations and create your timeline and budget, all of you should have the understanding that your adult child might not get their dream job any time soon. In the meantime, they can get a job working as a nanny or at a grocery store or restaurant. Although it’s not a direct step towards their career goals, it helps them achieve the smaller goals you laid out in your timeframe and budget. These stepping stones will help them in the long run.
Set academic goals if they are still in school. This is open ended, but there needs to be a conversation where all of the details are broken down and what’s expected of them. It could include an expected GPA, working part-time, getting tutoring, etc.
Create a daily schedule. What does their day-to-day life need to look like? Set the expectation that they can’t sleep in until noon. Together with your child, create a daily schedule, even if they are not currently working. For example: wake up at 8am, work out, do household chores, apply for jobs in the afternoon. This will help them be prepared for when they do have a job and a regular schedule they have to adhere to in order to be successful.
Set natural consequences. Use your timeframe as a guide to create time limits. If your child doesn’t achieve the smaller goals by the date you all agreed upon, it’s time to change the approach. If what they have been doing hasn’t been working, work together to figure out a different plan that is more attainable.
Enforce those consequences. If your adult child isn’t doing their part, there needs to be open dialogue. If they aren’t applying to jobs, not leaving the house, sleeping all day, or not contributing to the household, that can’t be tolerated. Include consequences in your agreed upon timeline, so when it’s time to have that discussion, it’s not punitive but coming from a supportive place. How long can they still live with you if they aren’t holding up their end of the agreement? Will you continue to purchase groceries for them? Will you drive them around? What other consequences are there? You have to have a conversation with them – don’t be afraid to approach them. Express yourself and talk about why they may not be reaching their goals.
Have regular follow up discussions. When an adult child first moves back home, families will often have a discussion at the beginning, but then there’s no follow up. Make a plan to talk about their progress (or lack of) every couple of weeks. Talk about any progress made, goals achieved or changed, and barriers to making progress. This way no one is confused or taken by surprise, and the adult child is constantly held accountable. If you plan to have regular discussions, it won’t come across as nagging. Everyone will be in agreement that it is a part of the deal going into this.
Show empathy and compassion. It’s a tough market out there and failure to launch into adulthood is common. Have patience and understand that when adult children have to go back to living at home, it can create feelings of low self-confidence or self-esteem, shame or embarrassment, depression, and anxiety.
Encourage them to go to therapy. If they are having a difficult time living at home, therapy can help them build self-confidence. If they have mental illness, make going to therapy a requirement for their overall wellness.
Help your child build self-confidence. Your child is still an adult, even though they are your child. Enabling them doesn’t build their independence or confidence. When you support them in achieving their goals, it will build their confidence over time. Don’t treat them like a teenage child – it’s easy to fall back into old dynamics. Show them respect as you would with any other adult by respecting their privacy, space, and autonomy. Allow them to make their own decisions for themselves, and you are there to support them, not tell them what to do.
Have your own personal life. Your whole life doesn’t have to revolve around your adult children. They are adults and can take care of themselves. Continue with your everyday routine and schedule, and live the life you want to live. Don’t put your priorities and own self-care on the back burner.
You All Deserve to Move Forward in Life and Be Happy
Failure to launch can be stressful for the whole family. If you have an adult child living with you, you deserve support, too. If you live in Florida or New York and are having a difficult time getting your adult child to move forward in life, or feel like you are unable to prioritize your own needs, I can help – contact Dr. Heather Violante online or call (754) 333-1484 to learn more.