Have you been feeling more anxious than usual lately? Do you feel the pressure because of expectations placed on you by others or yourself because of your age, gender, or phase of life? Our personal experiences coupled with the election, inflation, climate change, and other global issues can heighten anxiety. There’s a lot going on and it can feel like everything’s out of control.
The Cycle of Anxiety
Anxiety has a counter productive idea that holding onto control will cure the anxiety. But it actually fuels the need for control, not having control itself. When things aren’t in your control and you try to control them, you end up getting hyper focused on those things. You may start catastrophizing, overgeneralizing, and have an all or nothing mindset, which can lead to lower self-esteem and self-confidence, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
When you feel like everything is spinning out of control, the natural reaction is to try to hold on to more control. You get hyper focused on the things you can’t control and entangled with the thoughts that you have to have control over them. That turns into a fear of letting go of control, which intensifies anxiety because the more you try to hold on, the more you realize you don’t have control, which then makes you try to hold on even more. It’s a downward cycle of anxiety that can easily become overwhelming.
You Can’t Control Everything
Trying to control everything ends up making you feel more out of control because the truth is, we can’t control everything. In fact, there isn’t much in our lives that we do have control over. It may seem counterintuitive, but the way to reduce anxiety and feel more in control is to let go of control.
What is not in your control: what other people do or say and the world around us. These two things make up a big portion of our lives. The forces of nature, society, and the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of others are things we can’t control. So we have to shift away from control – having rigid standards and unrealistic expectations – to being more flexible. Life is fluid, unpredictable, and always changing and we have to have the ability to go with the flow.
In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering. Trying to control things is unrealistic, so the more we try to hold onto control and fixate on the things we can’t control, the more we suffer. Non-attachment is the idea that we engage with experiences as they are without trying to control them. It’s letting go of attachment to rigid standards, inflexibility, unrealistic expectations, and even materialistic things. Practicing mindfulness can help you be more present and accept reality as it is.
What Can You Control?
Let’s break down what is in our control. In reality, not much: our behaviors and the thoughts we choose to entertain. Although in quantity it’s not a lot, those are more powerful than the things that are out of our control.
What do I mean by the thoughts we choose to entertain? You can’t control what pops into your head, whether they are good, bad or neutral, but you can choose which thoughts you foster. Thoughts don’t have significance or value unless we give them value. We can choose to not give them value. If a negative thought pops into your head, you can choose to think, “That’s a thought, let’s move onto something else,” as opposed to, “I’m going to dwell on this and give it weight.” We get so caught up in “I don’t want to have negative thoughts,” but it happens. So choose to go with them or let them go. When we fixate on or empower negative thoughts (or thoughts about controlling things that are not in our control), we attach other thoughts to it. One turns into another and another and another like a never-ending chain and becomes a problem. Choosing not to give value to thoughts is how to let go of control. When the negative or controlling thought pops into your head, recognize that it’s anxiety that is fueling the idea of control and let go of that thought.
Moving from Control to Empowerment
Real life isn’t black or white, all or nothing. Even though you might not have control over a lot of things, it doesn’t mean you don’t have influence over other people and things. So instead of focusing on the idea of control, let’s reframe it as empowered. Rather than being in control of your thoughts and behaviors, you are empowered to change your thoughts and behaviors. You have the coping skills to acknowledge and regulate your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Instead of thinking you are not in control of other people and the world around you, realize that you are empowered to influence others and the world around you. Rather than feeling like you don’t have a voice because you don’t have control, when you are empowered, it gives you some say and influence. You can speak up, give suggestions, have a conversation, or get involved with your family, at work, or in your community. When you have less rigid standards and more realistic expectations, it gives you room for flexibility and adaptability.
Focus on What is Good
Often people focus on what is wrong. “Things aren’t going as planned!” “This is how it should be!” “It’s not supposed to be like this!” “I’ll never be able to find a solution!” If life isn’t going as you would prefer, don’t think in absolutes. Are these problems inconveniences? Crises? Permanent? Temporary? Can this situation change? Even if not in the next weeks or months, can your current situation potentially be altered in some way or shift over time? Moving away from the “now or never” mindset. Find flexibility and make small adjustments that will add up over time. Shift your focus away from, “I need this right now,” to “what can I do in the meantime?” Let go of the expectation that change has to be immediate. Be open to a third option and look outside the box. When you get frustrated, it becomes easy and quick to give up, but you could be missing out on opportunities that haven’t presented themselves yet. Surrender any kind of control you might have and be open to opportunities that you haven’t thought of. Your control is looking in different directions, so when you let go of control and allow things to happen, it opens up new opportunities. It may take some effort and intention, but be creative, flexible, and open-minded.
Now that you have let go of trying to control what is not in your control, and are empowered to change your thoughts and behaviors, stop dwelling on the negative and let go of unrealistic expectations you placed on yourself. Focus on what is going right in your life. Something is going right in your life – even small things count. You are living, breathing, have shelter, and access to food. You have time to read this blog post, which means you are taking steps towards improving your life and nourishing yourself. Practicing gratitude for what you do have is a great way to shift that focus from dwelling on the negative to focusing on what is going right in your life. Practicing gratitude can help relieve anxiety, stress, and depression by prioritizing the most important things in life.
Therapy Can Help You Let Go of Control & Feel Less Anxious!
If you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or like your life is out of control, therapy can help you let go of that need for control and empower you to create a sense of authority over your life. Dr. Heather Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states (listed below). Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy in 42 States
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in the 42 participating PSYPACT states listed below. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.
PsyPact enrolled states:
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming