When you are single in your 20s, you’re among peers who live similar lifestyles. But as you move on into your 30s and 40s, it can start to feel isolating when you are still single and your friends get married and start to have families. When this happens, it can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression.
Let Go of the Past
As you enter your 30s and 40s, it’s a new stage of life that is often focused around romantic relationships and family building. People are moving on, and when you’re single, you may feel stagnant and stuck in adolescence, like you’re not progressing into that next stage. But you haven’t fallen behind, you are just still working through your phase of life.
When we were younger, it was easier to just “hang out”. You can pop in and out of each others’ dorms in college, go over to your buddy’s apartment and just hang out with no plans, or watch sports or movies together. “When we were younger, we always used to do X,Y,Z on Thursday nights…” Now that you’re older, you don’t do that anymore. It’s important to let go of the past and unrealistic expectations. Now that your best friend is married with kids, you can’t expect him to drop everything to watch sports with you. Although the relationship has changed and their priorities have shifted, it doesn’t mean that you or the relationship is not valid or important. You are still valuable even if the frequency of seeing them has gone down. None of these changes are about who you are. This is an expected stage of life and natural progression. Trying to hold on to what the relationship was can hold the relationship back from moving forward. You can’t live in the past and think that nothing would ever change. Adjust to the new reality and let go of what was.
Maintaining Relationships
When your friends got married, you started feeling like a third wheel. And now that they have kids, their entire schedule is focused around them and you feel invisible. The amount of time they have available starts to dwindle, you lose touch, and you’re lucky if you see them once a month. You feel lonely, isolated, less significant, and irrelevant. You may question if you are important to others, if you are valuable, and if you are going to feel lonely forever. In reality, it’s not that you are not wanted, it’s just that their priorities have shifted in this new phase of life.
Friendships will always shift and evolve. It’s common for people to not talk about the nature of their relationship because when we were young, it was easy. Now that we’re older, we have to communicate our needs and be vulnerable, which can feel scary. Traditional gender roles may also influence how we communicate and express our emotions. Regardless of your gender, you can talk to your friends about your friendship and the nature of your relationship. Express how you are feeling, let them know you respect their boundaries and priorities, and tell them that you still care about them and that they are important to you. It’s OK to be vulnerable and state your needs.
Even though you may be in different phases of life, you can still be a part of their life. Can you integrate into your friends’ new life and their family? Can you contribute in some way? Can their family and kids be involved in your life? Go to their children’s sports games, play video games together, attend birthday parties and family dinners. How you stay relevant and involved is by showing interest in their current life phase, not by clinging to the old stage of life that has phased out. Embrace their new phase of life. It doesn’t have to be your whole lifestyle, you can maintain a separate identity, but you can still have that connection and involvement and be relevant because you care about that friend. It’s important to accept that their priorities have changed and focus on your own.
Focus on Your Own Priorities
When people start to disconnect from their friends and feel lonely, it’s common to further isolate. Have you been pouring too much of yourself into work and not enough into your own personal life? Don’t let yourself become so isolated that you’re pouring yourself into work to overcompensate loneliness and lose yourself. If you are stuck in an unrealistic expectation of keeping what was, you are ignoring your true desires and priorities.
First, prioritize what’s important in your life. What gives you a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment right now? Look at your values and priorities. What are you doing to nurture those? What are your goals? Meeting somebody? Getting married? Having children? Has your primary focus been education or career, but that’s not fulfilling you anymore? If you pour yourself into work to overcome loneliness, it doesn’t nurture your values and prevents you from living the life you want to live – it feeds into isolation and loneliness.
Envision how you want your life to look. What can you do now to work towards that? Is it full of friendship and healthy relationships? Although the relationship with your old friends might look different than they used to, that doesn’t mean they still can’t be a part of your life and it doesn’t mean you can’t make new, fulfilling relationships.
Making New Relationships
It’s hard to create deep rooted relationships in your 30s and 40s, but not impossible. What do you currently do with your own free time? If the answer is, “stay home,” “watch TV,” play video games,” or “I don’t have free time because I work so much,” it is nearly impossible that you’ll be able to create new meaningful relationships.
When you go out and do new things, it opens up new opportunities to meet people. It’s hard and scary starting relationships from scratch, but it gets easier as you build your social network. It also opens the door to you finding your own potential partner. Do activities you actually enjoy, not with the focus of meeting people, but having fun and living the life you want to live. This is about focusing on your values, priorities, goals, and desires. A side benefit is meeting people with similar interests and lifestyles as you.
Repeatedly show up, see familiar faces, build rapport and connection with people. Every time you see the same people, having that repeated exposure and continuation, is like going to school. But instead of being forced to be in school, you’re all choosing to be there, which should make it somewhat easier to talk about shared interests.
That social connection helps minimize social isolation, brings joy, helps your mood, and reduces anxiety and stress. Organically talk to people about that shared interest or hobby. It doesn’t have to be forced or as awkward as, “Hi. My name is so and so. Can we be best friends?” Make small talk, “This is a great class, right?” “How long have you been doing x,y,z?” Small talk over time will lead to relationships developing. It’s about making a connection, practicing social skills, and rebuilding confidence. Over time, people will get to know you and your personality, while building relationships and opening social spheres.
Remember to let go of the past and unrealistic expectations. When you go to these activities, keep an open mind. Many people have a set idea of who they want to be friends with, and will shy away from someone that could have been a great friend. “They’re not my type.” “That’s not my scene.” “I would never have been friends with them in college.” “I’d rather hang out with my buddies.” Whether you are playing sports, attending a fitness class, or doing a new group hobby, you already share an interest – take it from there. Click here to read even more on how to make friends as an adult.
You Can Have a Fulfilling Life… Even if You’re Single
Life is always changing, whether we like it or not. Accept reality and embrace whatever phase of life you’re in. Living a balanced life is the key to feeling successful and fulfilled and overcoming loneliness. Explore new hobbies and interests, and embrace whatever phase of life your friends are in. Therapy can help you figure out your priorities, accomplish your goals, improve your relationships, and even make new ones. Dr. Violante provides teletherapy (online video therapy) to adults living in Florida and New York, as well as all PsyPact enrolled states (listed below). Contact her online or call (754) 333-1484 to request a HIPAA compliant online therapy session.
Offering Online Therapy in 42 States
I am a licensed psychologist in the states of Florida and New York. Additionally, I have Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) from the PSYPACT Commission. I provide telehealth (online video therapy) to adults living in the 42 participating PSYPACT states listed below. For a list of current PSYPACT participating states, please visit the PSYPACT website at: https://www.psypact.org/psypactmap.
PsyPact enrolled states:
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming